“Big Boys Don’t Cry ?”

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The changing landscape of mens’ mental health

Alan Dovey, Consultant Psychotherapist/Honorary Clinical Lecturer University of Liverpool School of Health Sciences

Working in the field of mental health for over 30 years has taken me through many highs and lows, none more so than the changing landscape of mens’ mental health. Its put me in what a feel is a unique position to comment on this subject from both a professional and personal perspective and give, what I hope is some well-needed advice to people who still think “big boys don’t cry”. I have worked with large male orientated businesses (Jaguar Landrover Plc, West midlands Fire Service etc).

Fortunately, there is no doubt a positive impetus in todays society encouraging men to be more open and seek support for mental health problems especially when we compare to previous generations. We are changing the way people think about men and mental health and this cultural shift was always going to take time but there are still large pockets of stigma that lead to men bottling up and not discussing their thoughts and feelings in a healthy, open manner.

Society still holds a view (this is weakening ) that men should be “hard” and “rigid”, not showing emotions as this is a sign of weakness. In essence this is NOT the Alpha male anymore. This is (or was) reinforced from an early childhood being given beliefs such as the title of this paper. Also being told to “man up” after distressing life events reinforces the need to suppress emotions which is a behaviour directly linked to depression. On an evolutionary level, the male probably naturally suppresses (suppress emotions whilst hunting for food for example) but this would be short term and not long term. Short term suppression allows for problem solving to occur but long term suppression leads the male to sink deeper into his negative thoughts thus leading them to isolate themselves from others, avoid social contact and sometimes turn to chemicals that help them suppress even further (alcohol). This spiral from distress into major depression can take months and even years and I often see clients who, when asked how long they feel they haven’t been well state 2, 3, 5 years or even longer. Sadly, throughout this time, due to their increasing withdrawal from the world, they have lost many things in their lives (health, partners, friends and jobs as well as a sense of self). This further increases the speed and severity of this negative spiral.

So, my advice to all you guys out there……..

  1. You can have a bad day or a bad week but if feelings of low mood, low energy, poor sleep continue for over a month, talk to someone close to you that you trust. If you feel you have no one then go to see your GP to let your doctor assess how you are. It is almost impossible to accurately assess ourselves because of the way emotions work and I found this out the hard way after my mother passed away in 2016. Even being “in the job” I couldn’t see my mood lowering until I was knocking on the door of depression.
  2. Focus on your physical health as this IS MENTAL HEALTH and this includes exercise and activity, healthy diet and maintaining good sleep.
  3. Give yourself a mental health “check up”- I tend to do this every month.
  4. How have I felt physically over the last 4 weeks ?
  5. How is my work ?
  6. Have I took time with family and friends ?
  7. What do I have to look forward to in my diary? (social meetings, holidays etc)
  8. Do I have positive meanings in my life (hobbies and interests etc) ?

This allows me to intervene early should I find myself struggling and after 30 years in clinical practice, the most effective intervention for mental health is EARLY INTERVENTION.

This is a great time for men and mental health and I hope we embrace these times and understand resilience and vulnerability go hand in hand. Please guys ditch the “macho” and embrace the essence of resiliency which is to feel your emotions, explore your thoughts and if your struggling SHARE these with friends and loved ones and if you continue to struggle seek professional support.

“Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength” Sigmund Freud

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